David

3 Serious Side Effects of Our Spotify Playlist

By David on June 21, 2019

So you may have stumbled upon our Spotify playlist, “Behold: Sick Tunes”…

And as you’ve probably come to expect here at Smart Alec Tees… this is not your average collection of jukebox confections. You won’t find your usual favourites, or even very many mainstream billboard hits. That’s been done to death!

We’d rather dive deep to find tunes that meet our minimum standards: at least a moderate degree of attitude and/or cheese; a high risk of blowing minds; and an undeniably genius musicality. So it basically needs to sound AMAZING… and that’s about it.

As Frank Zappa once noted, “All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff.” So let’s not waste time beating around the proverbial bush…

#BeholdASickTune

That’s the hashtag. Type it into the Internet and Interwebs and you may find it… or just follow it yourself ON SPOTIFY. In any case, we’ve been informed by our legal team that we’re required to list the potential side effects of listening to our glass half-full of awesome sauce.

That’s clearly a very long list, and we’ve decided to stretch it out over a few very lengthy posts. Here are the first three… so you can’t say we didn’t warn you.

#1: Compulsive Flash Dancing

This should have gone without saying. Sick tunes = too much uninhibited dancing, and the occasional involvement of local authorities and department store security guards… so we recommend listening to our Spotify playlist in a safe and well-ventilated area of your home– not out in public– and taking a break at least once every six hours to stretch and hydrate.

#2: Painful Fits of Laughter

Laughter is indeed the best medicine– one more reason why our tunes are so sick– but the extremes to which we’ll take you can come at a price… paid in full by your midriff. (That’s right: your midriff… your belly. It’s gonna be wicked sore, yo.) So listen sparingly but often, perhaps a quick burst of three or four songs– then a yoga break to clear the mind– and repeat.

Not every song on the list is funny, but the funny ones are just downright dangerous. Others can be angry or salty, and most of them are a little strange. But if there’s one thing that ties all of them together, it’s their… well… how should I say it?

#3: Sexually-Transmitted Diseases

Swagger. Cool factor. Bravado…

I guess any of these terms will suffice in describing the power of sick tunes. Even an average song, delivered properly, can cause sudden and unexplained (and unprotected) sexual encounters… so do not go anywhere with this Spotify playlist if you’re not religiously practicing some form of contraception. Period.

If you get herpes during “When We’re Human” from The Princess and the Frog, well… that’s wrong on a few levels. AND it’s your own damn fault!

So there.

We’re being informed by our sales team now that we’re required to mention that you should all buy something from the Smart Alec Tees STORE. It’s your call… but it really does enhance the whole musical (and sexual) experience. The world seems to make more sense when people express themselves with shirts and throw pillows.

And MUSIC!

Aldous Huxley couldn’t possibly have hit the nail more aptly on its head when– in his 1931 essay, ‘Music at Night’– he wrote, “After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” Clearly, what he’s saying there is: Shut up and listen…

AND THEN SHUT UP AGAIN.
Behold: Sick Tunes (on Spotify).

DOES COTTON SHRINK? Smart Alec Tees… Take 2

By David on April 20, 2019

When we started Smart Alec Tees and set out to create our first few pieces of clothing, we were moving quickly. We became possessed by a creative demon that couldn’t possibly have stopped to consider the little things, the intricacies of the business and our brand.

c/o Keagan Henman on Unsplash

So we hammered out our initial designs and then made some shirts. Simple, right?

Wrong! There are a few crucial details that we failed to take into account: will our products be manufactured to high enough standards; and will our brand be front-and-center? These aren’t small, trivial things either… if we’re going to put all this time and energy into a project, we want to know that we can be proud of it.

So I needed to ask the important questions…

Does Cotton Shrink?

Yes! Yes, of course it does… don’t be silly.
A better question is: how much does cotton shrink, and what can we do to limit this effect?

When our first products were hitting the shelf, so to speak, we were just choosing the cheapest of everything to keep my costs down. That’s dumb, we realize in retrospect. The products Sydney and I were testing, which looked great, quickly lost a full size after washing them a few times in warm water and tumble-drying on medium.

“Abstract F*cker”

Bummer.

But Syd still loves her “Holy Poop” hoodie, which was way too big to begin with. And we are NOT quitters… so we made some notes and started over (damn it).

But… Cotton? Or Combed, Ring-Spun Cotton?

Huh? What’s the difference, really? And who cares?

I certainly didn’t in the beginning, and I don’t blame anyone for overlooking such a detail… But it’s a whole other level, people. And research has found that the type and quality of the cotton used is a much more obvious factor than the popular “pre-shrunk” moniker.

The Winner? Combed, Ring-Spun Cotton.

And it’s not even close!

We’ll insert one caveat here though: this conversation is about cotton. Other fabrics don’t suffer the same shrinkage issues, so blended clothing will always fare better. This is about 90-100% cotton products, like the ones here at Smart Alec Tees.

Having said that, combed ring-spun cotton is just a way better version of cotton… it’s like cotton on steroids, after lots of good plastic surgery. ?

Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

Ring-spun cotton is a bunch of very thin strands spun together to create a stronger, softer cotton. And then combed, ring-spun cotton is treated before the spinning process– and carefully combed after. The result is an even tougher, even softer, more luxurious fabric!

And more expensive.

That’s common sense though. The extra care and work that goes into the fabric with which the clothing is made comes at a price. Nothing exorbitant… we’re not looking to take advantage of our droves of future customers! We adjusted for a little less profit per item, and we think we’ve managed to keep prices at or below the category average.

The Smart Alec Tees Brand… Take 2!

That is the title of this article, after all. So let’s do this thing!

On your marks… get set…
FALSE START! What’s wrong with you?!

Dear World: Amicably Offensive T-Shirts. Signed, Smart Alec Tees

By David on November 29, 2018

Oh, great… another graphic t-shirt brand. That’s exactly what we need. One more misinformed half-wit printing poorly conceived aphorisms on clothing and accessories. Hip-hip-huzzah!

Nonsap Visuals– Unsplash

First… shut your damn face.

Second– and perhaps most importantly: yes. Yes, to the lion’s share of what you just said. Smart Alec Tees is indeed a new graphic tee brand, armed with enough amicably offensive t-shirts and accessories to make a real, substantive difference in the world (’cause that’s what it’s all about, people).

So there.
Oh, and third… shut your damn face!

WHAT ARE “AMICABLY OFFENSIVE T-SHIRTS”?

Excellent question!

As we all know, being offensive is not nice. But we’ve also all heard (and felt) the platitude: ‘the truth hurts’… and, as painful as that may seem, it’s absolutely true! And it’s the reason Smart Alec Tees continues its good work– its magnum opus, if you will…

To tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (so help me Dumbledore).

So if we’re being forced to define the term “amicably offensive t-shirts”, then we will say: they are fashion statements intending to make light of the heavy, complicated stuff. You know? It’s much like traditional comedy in that way, trying always to walk the fine line between totally cool and WTF?!

In a nutshell: when dealing with real ideas and values, humour is subjective (and too often exclusive). But we, like other comedic minds, do not mean to exclude anyone… we just want us all to laugh about it. The serious stuff; the silly stuff; the everyday stuff that binds us.

It’s all good, yo.

SO HOW CAN SMART ALEC TEES HEAL THE WORLD?

Another stellar question! And it isn’t one we answer without many months’ pause and deep reflection…

Without seeming too pretentious, we want to describe the mandate here at Smart Alec Tees something like: empowering everyday people to provoke important conversations (and to add some quirk to their wardrobe). If one of our products can help manifest and let loose even a small storm of ideas, then let’s call it a win.

Healing the world is all about baby steps.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

Well… umm… you can buy some amicably offensive t-shirts, baby onesies, throw pillows and other Smart Alec Tees gear! And then wait…

We said WAIT! Shh… you’ll scare them…
Wait for the curious people to ask about… to feel compelled to…

“Hey, what’s the deal with that HIVE BLOCKCHAIN SHIRT?”

And so it will begin.

You asked how you can help heal the world, right? But remember: it’s all about baby steps… one at a time. Express yourself intentionally, and then accommodate the consequent conversations. And every step of the way, no matter how heavy it gets, you’d better believe #TheresAGraphicTeeForThat.

Peace out for now, homies.

If you want to join the movement, GET SHOPPING!
Or CLICK HERE to learn more about us (kind of).

David